I HAVE SLEPT IN YOUR ASHRAMS I have risen at Sunrise to chant the names of GXD, with men, because I came with man. They separated us at Sundown, and sent me to sleep on a couple's couch, aWay. Adam didn't even make it to the Temple in the morning. I knew he would not, without me. He sleeps all Day, suffering from his own great severing. But I Loved him with my whole Heart. I wasn't really supposed to be there, with them. I did not know which rituals were mine to take. No female guide emerged to take my hand, and I did not know how to ask for anything I needed, at that point in my life. So I sat against a wall, with a scarf over my head, chanting the names of GXD on the beads. My Love showed up, three hours later, sneaking in after the Light, and just before Prashadam. That was his favorite part. Adam just wanted to eat the blessed food of the Earth, and there was no wrong to do so.
BEFORE THE FIRST TIME I ever chanted Kirtan, Adam had to drag me out of bed. It was another one of those Night Seas: inexplicably full of dread, and drowning. "This will help," Adam said, "I promise." He drove us to the Temple. He had met Vinod a week before, while eating a muffin on a bench, watching the Brahmacharis sing and dance, in the street. Personally, I think they had a crush on Adam, pent up and agitated as they were. We would sing our songs for them, sometimes. But I was alWays jealous of what was not mine- The music his, but stemming from my Light. Only Ananda really treated me like an equal. When I asked him how old he was, Ananda told me, "I am a Timeless being, and also 25." Kirtan: Dancing and singing altogher, but on seperate sides. "Ladies keep to yourSelves! Separate Bliss only!" I studied the Bhagavad Gita more than Adam. I longed to merge. I looked for signs. But no one would take me under their wing, except through the dick I rode in on.
WE STARTED PRACTICING TANTRA mostly accidentally, because Adam was grieving his father, and his body was telling him it was dying. He couldn't come without having a nose bleed, but he alWays wanted to have sex with me. So, he just stopped coming, and I became the focus. which was fine with me. I had never had another person care, about my orgasm. It took almost 8 months, of being together, before I finally had one. But in general, for him, my body was some kind of Temple, until it wasn't anymore. Sometimes he could barely enter me at all. "Lili," Adam would say to me, "You know it is your party, right? It is your Garden. No man can go there, without you. We are all just visiting. It is a special backstage pass, you permit me." We never really focused on controlling my Energy, because it would take so long to open the box, and by that Time we were both ravenous, and ready. But the more I learned about bodywork, and Energy, the more it would just naturally seep into our sexuality. We didn't know what we were doing. Mostly, we were playing. All of my pain opened, in the most pleasurable Way, and it was rife with Daddy issues. Sometimes, I would black out, and lash out, during sex, and Adam made me pay for that. Crumbling in apologies, for what I did not understand in mySelves. My child was angry, and she had something to say. Adam didn't recognize what was inside, and neither did I. There was too much cognitive dissonance, trying to drown the Dark in the Light, and absolutely no therapy. I was 23. I worked 3 jobs so I could study massage therapy. We were poor, which was fine with me, but Adam was too used to being a Prince of New Things. He couldn't really hack it outside of the Garden, and I was in no shape to be his Mommy. We were not exactly happy. We were in an Ocean of Awakening. We were an entire World unto ourSelves. It was fucking crazy. And that was when I fell off his pedestal.
“They left him with a gimp
wing, to be ravaged by
the Night Things: Damned ones
with sharp sight, knife-like
broad wings, and honed claws
that strike like bolts of Lightning.”– The Oracle of Passeridae