THE MATH: (Lilith + Cancer) OPPOSITE (Venus Rx + Capricorn) = Cold


Lilith calls Venus,

but she isn’t home.

Lili leaves a voicemail…
"Will I ever feel
connected to another, the Way
I felt connected

to Adam?  Is there return
from where I've been, into
another's arms?  I choose

to be alone, rather than fill
up on the fuel of touch,
because there is a cost.

My Heart opens slowly,
and I do not expect anyone
to wait for me.  "Cold,"

they say, I am cold,
like it should move me.
But I don't care,

if they can't see my Heart
is beating.  I have a limit,
where the language begins

to shift, and he gets angry,
because I clarified that I am
not ready for a sleepover,

or really to spend more
than a few hours together.
"Cold," he says,

"you make me feel," he says,
"like I did something wrong
by asking you," because he was

triggered by the Word
boundary.  I said,
"I know you might keep

wondering, and I promise
I'll tell you, when I'm ready,
but please, don't nudge me,"

I told him, "This is
not about your behavior,
it is just about a need

I have, currently."
"All we ever talk about
are your boundaries," he calls

back to me, "You are
impossible to make happy."
But I never asked him to make me

happy.  I never complained
about who he is.  I just placed
a stepping stone, in front of me,

"This is where I can
meet you," I said.
I did not want to change him.

I just liked the Way
I felt in his arms,
and I wanted to keep exploring

that, without too many words,
and in bite-sized portions.
But I do not want this

back and forth,
as he tries to make me
feel bad, because my Heart

trusts slowly.  Push me
and I will dig in, as the bull.
I need Time, my Venus is in Taurus

in the 8th house.  I can no longer
apologize, because the boys don't
like the Way where I could meet

them makes them feel,
even if it's

Lilith’s Diary
from the Garden: 5/4/2020
Venus in Taurus in the 8th House

I have a compulsive need
to manipulate space.  I Love
my home, and making it more
inspiring, over Time.  Slowly,

it evolves, and changes shape,
as I do.  I listen
to the objects I create, and let
them tell me, how to grow.  I am

not sentimental, about all
"things", but I do feel all objects
can be sacred.  The ones that hold
my deepest Heart, and help

me remember who I am, have chosen
me, and I them, no Matter what
chaotic and incomprehensible
forces shape the World.

I wish I could hold more
of mySelf in my own body,
so I wouldn't have to do
so much of this World-building

to feel safe, and to understand.
I know that if I want to go
beyond this, I must continue
to come home to my body.

The thought, pulls my dripping
chest, downward, freezing
into fear.  "This already hurts,"
it tells me, "And it may hurt

much more, before it heals."
-Like a muscle, awoken
to its dysfunction, must climb,
down through the tiers

of Pain, to return
to equilibrium.  So I say,
"Okay, fine.  But please,
move slow."

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