THE MATH: (MEAN Lilith + Gemini) INCONJUNCT (Pluto + Capricorn) = someTimes you fail a transit


"So, how was therapy?"
Pluto asks Lilith,
at the ice plunge.

"I woke up,"
Lilith wilts,
"Persephone fucked up
my meditation."

"It's OK, Lilith,"
Pluto consoles her,
"I like it, when you wake up.
Who poked you?"

"Hera sat in, on the session,"
Lilith sighs, "She said,
'We were worried Lilith was
a danger to herSelves,
and to her father.'
Fucking PLEASE.  Did she think
I would kill my father, in his sleep?
All I wanted, was to breathe.
She was talking about
a transit I 'failed',
where I had a trauma response,
to my traumatizers.  AKA: GXD,
as Daddy backed me into a corner
of the Garden, and tried to make me
believe, for the millionth Time,
I was insane."

"And what did you say?"
Pluto continues to question.

Lilith hangs her head, "I said,
'If you are worried about me, hurting
mySelves, you could have done
something about it, when I was 17,
and I told you I was Self
-harming, so, that already happened.
I could not breathe,' I said,
'You were trying to kick me out
of the Garden, and control where
I went, at the same Time.
I felt incredible rage.
You wanted to drug me.
Do I want to behave from a place
of fear, and self-preservation?  No.
But that is what happened.
And if the narrative is,
'Lilith is insane, and a danger
to herSelves and others,'
FUCK THAT.  I'll take the Desert
over the Garden, every Day
and any Night.  You have
trained me, to isolate
mySelves, so my Pain
cannot touch you.  An inner
child, set to Self-destruct,
and loath every negative
emotion in herSelves.
That's fine.
I do not need to be
a part of your Perfect
family.  Grimacing 
like a psychopath
to make the Way
you cannot accept me,
OK for you.
I exist, as I am,
whether you like it,
or not."

"And then what happened?"
Pluto asks.

"Hera cried," Lilith says
as her own eyes Water,
"And I woke up this morning
sobbing, in my sleep.
And Now, I am trying to Live
with more Words I cannot
take back."
7/7/2020 TRANSIT:
Mercury Rx + Pisces
the native Sun in Aries =

SomeTimes you fail a transit.

I am programmed to feel
like I failed this one,

when finally, backed into a corner
I screamed at the man

to back up,
to not touch me,

to hear me, when I tell him
he is the root.

The screeching didn't last long
because I was able to understand

I was having a trauma response
to the man who caused it,

and maintain enough of my mind
to return.  But they

like to make me feel like I fail,
when I have a response at all.

They raised me to be
on my 'best behavior',

fawning when I do not feel safe
because it is polite.

They keep tabs on my outbursts,
tracking them in weeks.

They do not tell me anything
I do not know.  Yes,

every four weeks, like clockwork.
It is in my notebooks too.

And you are not the first
to See, the rhythm of the Moon

and how it swells in my body.
"Why can't you kids be more

like Jupiter's children?'
the neighborhood mothers would ask

their kids, when they fought
in public.  Some

kind of pride, in being outwardly
pleasant, whether it was truthful

at home, or not.  To freeze,
and smile, when I felt unsafe.

All that pressure, has to rise
to the surface, someTime.  I See

parents, on the internet, talking
about how a person like me grows,

and how we don't want that
to happen to our children.

We want to teach them
boundaries, and the difference

between being polite, and fawning.
We want to teach them

there is at least one safe space,
to let it out.  That Way,

maybe, it won't build like it does,
but be let out in intervals,

and maybe, it will bubble less
to begin with.

They like to tell me that I fail
when I do not know how to do

what they never taught me.

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