THE WEAVE:

Yesterday, as Pluto stationed direct in Capricorn, the sign of the mountain goat, I was sobbing on a cliff, dangling in my harness, stuck half-way up a difficult climb. Sometimes, the planetary transits really are so literal.

I wasn’t climbing above my limit. I was climbing with limited energy after many weeks of much movement and very little rest. I looked up and I thought, “This is going to be hard, I don’t have the energy for this.”

I was one and a half pitches into a three pitch climb. Giving up was literally not an option because we had hiked two miles up in order to rappel into the base of a cliff side.

To go down, I had to go up.

After many failed attempts, I just started crying. It’s not the first time I’ve cried on a climb, but it had been a while since I was that frustrated.

In times like these, it’s never the climb that’s ‘the problem,’ the extreme situation just brings everything that’s ‘not working’ to the foreground. What has been bubbling beneath the surface becomes clear.

It’s the rock and the hard place.

It’s me, and the wall, and everything that’s in my way, literally and metaphorically… And my boyfriend, patiently belaying me from above as I literally climb through my tears.

It became clear that I was mad- Not at anyone else, not because I wasn’t climbing well, but at myself for breaking my own boundaries. For over-extending myself when I knew I wasn’t resourced to do so. For running myself ragged trying to fulfill the desires of others before my own needs. For not letting myself be okay with getting left behind.

It’s a pattern I lovingly shed as Pluto heads towards Aquarius once again.

What pattern has become glaringly and obviously unhealthy? Whatever it is, it’s likely it’s nothing you haven’t grappled with before. Where do you break your own boundaries? Where would it be okay for you to let yourself get left behind? What would you be making room for if you did?

Xx, J